Law and Order: Special Wizards Unit
by Winstrom Tourniquet the 4th
Summary: Dudley and Neville start and Wizard/Muggle detective agency!
1. Deathly Dislocations

Law and Order

Special Wizards Unit

In the Criminal justice system Wizard and Muggle related crimes are considered especially heinous. This is the story of how an elite group of muggles and Hogwarts dropouts built the foundation for what would become the Special Wizards unit.

It was a gray day at number 5 Privet Drive. Dudley Dursley leaned his face on his hand in front of the window. Across the street lay his childhood home, abandoned. A few years ago he had been "Big D" menace to anyone under 5'11 and dumb enough appear in his line of sight.

Now he was nobody, all thanks to magic. Magic is what started the whole mess. More than a decade ago he had learnt that his late aunt had been not a crack whore (as his mother told him each holiday she missed.) but in fact a witch. He never met his aunt, the sole connection he had with her was her son Harry. Dudley found it strange how much he missed his cousin, stranger still was the remorse he felt every time he recalled the way his family had treated him. He let out a sigh, which fogged almost half of the window, giving number 4 a smudged look about it. That's how most of the world saw it now, all thanks to those spells.

The last night Harry had stayed with his muggle family was when it all began. After they had all said their goodbyes and waddled out the door, the wizard they had been assigned tried to explain the reason for their hasty relocation.

"You see, the dark lord is hell bent on murdering your nephew. He would do anything possible and some things thought impossible to do so. For years now your house has provided him a sanctuary from such evils. Recently things have been looking very grave and our brightest have decided that it would be best for you to be gone before any death eaters come around trying to ransom the lot of you to H.P." The Dursley's could only stare at this strange man, waiting for him to crack a smile.

"You're not serious are you?" Petunia gasped. "So what of our rights!? What gives you, you loons the authority to decide what is safe for whom?" After swallowing to himself Vernon then spoke up,

"Yah what gives any of your lot the right eh? My taxes don't pay out to your ministry and I sure as hell don't recall ever voting in no magical minister." The wizard paid little attention to their arguments.

"The Order is not and has never been affiliated with the Ministry sir, I didn't vote for him either. Now, on to the subject of your relocation…."

"Alotta good that sorcery has done for this family I'd reckon!" burst Vernon that night at dinner. "Finally some pay back for having to look after that brat all those years." He continued. Dudley barely recognized his father these days, not only had his attitude concerning magical people completely reversed, but his size inverted as well. The first order of business had been to change their appearances. The only sizable difference was Vernon, how had undergone a magical liposuction of sorts. Now in a peak physical condition Vernon spent most of his time running marathons and providing celebrities security. Because his change in appearance had been so drastic, most of the resources the Order had to relocate them was spent tightening his chins. Originally the plan was to move the family somewhere abroad, the best house wizarding money could buy just happened to be number 5. There had been an enchantment placed on number 4, and most muggles (excluding the Dursleys) just assumed a lonely novelist lived there now. "A strange git, not much for company." Vernon would tell the neighbors who asked about the new homeowner.

After months of training Vernon was finally at the starting mark for the "All England All The Way" Marathon. This would be the event that defines my life he thought. A shot rang out and the runners began their trek. Ironically enough, this event happens to be the definition of the eventual death of Vernon Dursley, number 5 privet drive. About 18 kilometers into the marathon Vernon tripped over a passing turtle, leading him to stumble sideways and in turn barrel roll over the guard rail that had been built to safeguard motorists from veering into the very same gorge that Vernon now found he was tumbling down.

When he came to, he was surrounded by his family and a group of surgeons. The oldest of them stepped forward and coughed before he spoke.

"Mr. Dursley, I'm very sorry but you have suffered extensive spinal damage." Almost immediately after the words left his mouth Vernon sputtered,

"Am I ever going to run again doc!?" the surgeon shook his head. Placing Vernon's chart back on the front of the bed he continued to explain.

"The severity of your injury I am afraid is lethal. You see part of your spine has burst the lining in your stomach, the more acid your body produces the more damage you'll in turn do to yourself.

"I always knew, from the day I met him he'd eat his self to death!" Petunia blurted aloud. Almost immediately she recoiled behind her stained handkerchief. Vernon stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an infinity and then turned to his son.

"Dudley, I've made a lot of mistakes in my day. And now that the reaper is knocking with a pizza in his hand I know I need to make some of it right. I know I shouldn't ask you, but I don't know who else could help…"

"What is it papa?" Dudley's face erupted in tears and snot.

"I need you to find Harry, I need to bury the hatchet before they bury me."

"I will papa, I'll find him alright, I do whatever it takes, I'll bring him back here and will fix this family up right."

"That's my boy. Now go on, out into the world, but be quick about it. I ain't got much longer to live, not with me appetite on the trigger."


	2. Nervous Lunches

…About a month later…

Neville Longbottom nearly crashed through the glass diner door. Finding his balance inside he did his best to be as inconspicuous as possible. He was always a little bit nervous when travelling through the muggle world. "Be polite, don't draw attention but don't cause suspicion." He thought to himself repeatedly. He occupied himself with his mantra to the point where he almost walked into a hurried waitress.

"Watch out" she screeched, holding her fresh pot of coffee steadily above her head. Neville returned to reality and looked the woman over. Her bright eyes stood out against her mahogany bangs. Her name tag was loosely pinned to her pale uniform. 'Stella' it read. Neville mouthed an apology but no words escaped. "Just sit down" she gasped pointing to a booth with her free hand. He managed to sit down and bury his beet red face in a menu.

Stella rolled her eyes and poured the steaming coffee into the tall thermos that sat on the crowed table. She gathered up a few of the dirty plates that were stacking up at the edge of the table. Reaching for a plate with a half eaten slice of pie a pudgy hand launched into the air almost as if to swat her away.

"I haven't finished with that yet." said the young man from behind the newspaper. Without skipping a beat Dudley shoveled the pie down his throat. He had been up all night studying the paper he finally acquired. Perhaps it was luck, or maybe fate that Dudley had come upon the frayed copy of The Daily Prophet. After chasing owls for more than a fortnight it was his first major lead into locating wizards. He somewhat recalled his cousin flipping through each copy that was air delivered to number all those years ago. At first he thought Harry was just having a bit of fun, since more often than not, POTTER was included in the headlines. If indeed his cousin was first page material during his school years, it might not be difficult to track him down if Dudley could find a subscriber.

Which was easier said than done, considering how difficult it was to make any sense of ANY of the articles. Whatever these wizards were up to their current events were nothing like that of the muggle news. He traced every line with his stubby finger, going the columns over from cover to cover the whole night. He let a mighty groan escape his lips as his frustration peaked.

Neville knew muggle-borns since school, but he had never attempted a conversation with someone who was completely clueless about magic. He traced her steps as she preformed each task in a very muggle like fashion. Stella was unlike any person he had ever encountered. Maybe it was something about how the light hit her hair, or how her facial expressions seemed exaggerated to a trained eye. Neville noticed his all before she had taken his order. He muttered his muggle mantra to himself as she approached his end of the diner. She passed right by him, stopping at the next booth.

"Need anything else?" She asked Dudley. He shook his head and waved her off. As she rushed back by Neville he managed a smile. She flipped her notepad and asked if he was ready to order.

"Y-yes er, I'll have…" he struggled with the menu and finally just said "coffee." She trailed off and he desperately avoided her line of sight. Turning his head away from her, Neville noticed a very familiar news paper in the hands of his neighbor. Leaning over the booth he muttered to the reader, "Eat at muggle dives often?"Dudley's eyes lit up. Had he just made contact with a Wizard? He spun around to meet the voice.

"You're you're a, I mean an actual wizard?" he coughed. Neville coiled back as if he had just cracked open a stale dragon egg.

"Whacha mean? Of course I'm a—OH!" it had hit him, he was speaking to a muggle! They both stared at the ceiling, after clearing his throat Dudley took the plunge.

"You've eh, heard of Harry Potter right?"

"Heard of him? He's one of my best friends… what's it to you?" Neville reached his waistband for his wand.

"I'm his cousin, and I've got to find him, my father's dying and Harry needs to know. If you know where he is I've got to talk with him!" Dudley explained.

"…Wish I could help, but Harry isn't one for much company nowadays" Neville sighed. "Look let's take it outside, alright?" He rushed up out of his seat and knocked into Stella. The coffee spilt all over her stomach and her face went pale as she screamed. All eyes were on them. Dudley followed Neville up and tugged his frozen arm.

"You going to do something about that, she'll be burnt for life!" He screamed. The mutters began. Neville bit his lip and reached for his wand. Waving it over her and muttering a spell as silently as he could. The steaming coffee transfigured into orange juice. Stella looked up at him with awe in her eyes. The mutters rose, the other customers were confused, and confused people tend to be become angry quite easily. Neville bolted for the door and Dudley was quick to follow. As he made his way down the street, a paper plane rocketed past Neville's nose and pierced a nearby telephone pole. He muttered a wizard swear under his breath and pulled the paper out of the pole.

"What's that all about?" Dudley inquired. Neville held the paper out to the muggle.

"Guess it's your lucky day, sure as shit isn't mine." It read,

Dear Neville Longbottom,

At 9 am this morning you were detected performing a transfiguration in the presence of several muggles. Foremost, a scrub team has been sent to your location to charm any witnesses. For your violation of the use of magic before non magical citizens you will be tried the Tuesday after next at the department of 'In the Bag' cases, 8th basement Ministry of Magic. Your defense has been sent a copy of this summons. On a personal note I thought much more of you Neville.

Head of Muggle-related Investigations

Harry Potter

"Harry!" Dudley grinned.

"Yeah, it's from Harry alright, which means we've got to get you out of here." Neville grabbed Dudley by the collar and they disapperated.


	3. Hasty Partnerships

They reappeared inside of a boarded up basement. Dudley's first sensation was an unavoidable urge to vomit. Once he had painted most of the corner his own personal shade of lemon he turned to the young wizard.

"Alright explain, why did we have to leave?" he waved his pudgy finger.

"You pressured me into using magic, in front of muggles no less! That isn't tolerated under wizard law, and your cousin is looking for any excuse to lock me up." Neville explained. He wondered around the room seemingly looking for something.

"Why's he after you?" Dudley felt like he was nowhere near finished asking questions that day.

"It's a long story; let's just say that I've been stepping on his toes lately." He waved his wand and the lights all switched on. They were in an abandoned office. "A lot of people aren't quite as comfortable with the new ministry as the Prophet will lead you to believe. Sometimes when there is a crime or mystery that is considered inconvenient the ministry sweeps it under the rug." He pointed up. Dudley tilted his head in confusion and pointed upwards as well. "Oh I'm sorry. There's a rug cleaners upstairs."

"Clever" Dudley smirked.

"Ever since school I've been questioning authority and it's gotten worse over the years. When the ministry refuses a case, I try to solve it." Neville smiled, the boards on the windows transformed into curtains at his command.

"And how's that working out for you?"

"Not too well actually. Most of these the cases require extensive muggle world knowledge. This isn't a very common resource." He sighed. Dudley folded his arms and began to pace about the place, eying everything over.

"You know, I might be able to help you in that department, I might not be the smartest guy around but I know how to use Google."

"What's Google?" Neville stressed the vowels.

"Y'know on a computer…"

"Computer, ah yes, I think we have one here. But what exactly is that for?"

"Well most people use them to get on the internet."

"Third strike. What is that for?"

"Pornography mostly." Dudley shrugged.

"Oh, okay I've heard about that one!"

Deep within the Ministry Harry put out his cigar. His office was cluttered with clippings and photos of case files, alongside his personal effects. He had basically been living out of his desk for the past 8 months. He was on to possibly the biggest case of his career. He was always good at figuring out things. Finding pieces and fitting them together. It was all he had left really. Anyone he truly cared about was long dead. The only way to carry on in his mind was to keep on solving mysteries for the ministry. The ministry he helped to build after Voldemort had crippled the old establishment.

Harry pushed down a button on his desk and spoke into the adjacent speaker.

"Hermione get your arse in here!" he snarled over the PA. The door swung open and Hermione entered. She was a wreck, her hair was in its usual state of un-brushed and she had large bags under her darkened eyes. She carried a large stack of papers which he began to sort into the file cabinets that lined the room. "Any progress on the Muggle Murders?' He barked at her.

"No, I've read every book on the Misuse of Magic within Muggle Presence in all 12 of the ministry's libraries. I'm going to the Scotland Branch tomorrow to cross reference what they have."

"Shit." Harry muttered, leaning back in his chair. Someone had been killing muggles with magic. Seemingly out in the open, yet there were no suspects, nor any identifiable motive. Worse yet was the act itself. Harry could hardly imagine what would happen if the existence of magic were public knowledge. Considering how the Dursley's handled his being a wizard, how would the average muggle react to the presence of witches and wizards in 'their' world?

"You know something Hermione?" He asked her as she approached him. "I don't think I've met a single muggle I liked." She shrugged to this, over the years she learned to just go with whatever he was talking about. "No offense, I mean with your parents." He attempted to be sincere, but in reality he didn't really care for the Grangers. Her knees met the cold floor. "But most of the good folk I've met over the course of my life were all wizards…" She placed her lips on him. "Well, except for the Slytherins," he mused as she emotionlessly fellated him. "Or the death eaters, they weren't very nice. But aside from those two exceptions practically all the wizards I've met were nice people." She lifted her head up from her work and asked.

"What about Fudge and the other people in the old ministry?" She looked up at him dearly.

"Did I say you could talk?" he scolded her, pushing her head back into him. "Hurry up bitch I don't have all night!" He yelled. She cautiously slid his phallus off of her lips and began to stroke him as asked.

"You're going home? It's been a while…" She imagined Ginny bored and alone in their stuffy flat.

"Yeah, it's come to the ministry's attention that Neville preformed some magic in front of a whole crowd today. I don't think he'll come in willingly." He raised his hands behind his head and rested it behind them. "I might have to bring him down myself if he's the muggle killer." She un-buttoned her blouse and slid her pale tits over her bra. "It shouldn't be too hard, he isn't any dark lord." She rubbed the tip of his member against her long nipples. "But it has been a while since I've done any field work." She slid him in between her breasts. Harry stopped talking and focused on his climax. Closing his eyes he let out several soft moans. Hermione broke a smile as she continued to service him. Catching on to this he forcefully asked her "WHO AM I!"

"H-Harry Potter" She whimpered. He spent himself all over her chest and chin.

"That's right bitch, I'm the boy who lived!"


	4. Lucky Leads

After a countless amount of days without any cases, the bell attached to the door rang. Dudley had been charged with the task of minding the front desk that morning, which given the amount of business they were handling meant surfing the web mindlessly. Not taking the trouble to look in the doorway he waved in the direction of the sound.

"Neville why ain't you using the service route round back? We get any post?"

"No post on Sundays!" the young woman admitted.

The sound of her struck Dudley like a bag of elephants. He spun around to face the voice at light speed.

She was a vision. Not even the most articulate cartoon wolf could convey the effect that this beauty had on the opposite sex. Whether it was the perfume she wore or the ribbons in her hair Dudley could not tell. Something about her was so absolutely astonishing that he was willing to bet his life that there was an entire section of iTunes dedicated to songs that were inspired by her.

"Um, uh… can I help you……miss?" Dudley fumbled. Every second he anticipated her response filled up a parallel infinities that revolved at an unfathomable speed in each and every atom adjacent to Luna's puckered lips.

"Is Neville in?" she asked politely. He just continued to stare. "Neville Longbottom." She confirmed.

"Yeah, err he's somewhere in the back. I'll fetch him." The muggle hurried into Neville's makeshift office. He found the wizard removing staples from piles of paper. (Magically) "Oy Nev, there's a girl out front to see you." Dudley puffed.

"Is she with the electric company? I don't know why you insist on putting my name on your muggle bills…" Dudley yanked Neville out of his chair, something like a hundred levitating recently removed staples simultaneously ceased to levitate. The sight of this, (and just imagine the sounds) held Neville's attention much better than his partners promises of inquiring damsels.

"Hullo?" Neville called as he made his way to the front desk. His face lit up as the form of Luna Lovegood appeared before him. "Luna! It's been ages!' He hugged her.

"It has, time flys, as they say." She noted. Dudley appeared behind Neville.

"Aren't you going to introduce us?" he muttered, jabbing an elbow into his wizard friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Neville choked. "This is Luna Lovegood, an old friend from school. Luna this is Dudley Dursley, He's Harry's cousin." Luna smiled at Dudley, who was at a loss for words. Dudley found it hard to think of her as a witch, as enchanting as she seemed. She just didn't fit the profile to his muggle mind. Was this beauty capable of boiling slugs in cauldrons and chanting to the full moon? If you knew Luna the answer to both questions was a definitive 'yes'.

"What brings you here?" Dudley cracked his knuckles.

"Well I heard that you were in this business now and I just so happen to have a case for you." She told Neville. Dudley was apparently wearing a social invisibility cloak. "You've heard about the recent string of magic muggle murders I'm sure."

"Magic muggle murders…" Dudley muttered to himself.

"Of course, the ministry has been stumped on those lately. I've even heard that they've yet to pin down a motive." Neville explained.

"Magic muggle murders" he repeated.

"But where do you fit into all of that Luna?" Neville asked.

"Magic murders muggles" Dudley thought aloud.

"Well, since school I've taken editorial control of the quibbler but ever since last month though, whenever we print an article about the Triple M's they turn out all…funny."

"Funny how?" Dudley broke his line of thought.

"Well the ink's enchanted somehow. It changes the article to be something it's not. For some readers its' a puff piece about House Elf's, for others it's a gossip article all in French. None of my readers ever actually get to see the real articles about the murders."

"Magic muggle murders"

"Strange." Concluded Neville.

"Strange indeed." Dudley agreed. "Luna I promise we'll get to the bottom of this, I swear it!" he pounded his chest. If she noticed his devotion she made no indication. Neville summoned a scroll with his wand and it hovered above the front desk ready to record his notes.

"Ok, first off, do you have any possible leads?" He asked.

"I suspect Nargles." She mentioned casually.

Ginny rolled around the couch for the millionth time. Spending each long day watching an endless stream of paid programming on a dirty old set Harry had picked up second hand. Practically everything in their cramped flat was second hand. With the exception of her knickers but as time passed she became suspicious of even those. Flicking through the channels with her wand and bobbing her slipper on the edge of her foot she was assured once again that there was nothing on. How long had she existed like this? How many days had gone by since her fiancées last visit? His mail was stacking up again. She only noticed after tripping over it the previous morning, in an attempt to make toast the muggle way. Without warning the front door lurched open and the sound of Harry Potter's laughter filled the apartment. Ginny burst from the couch and raced to the door.

"Harry!" She shouted. As the sound left her throat she realized that his laughter had froze. Hermione stood behind him without a word. They all stood there petrified as if a basilisk had slithered onto the tele, wrapping itself around Billy Mays as he guaranteed his latest magical artifact to the muggle audience. After forever she simply said, "Hermione, you haven't written."

"Sorry." She half heartily admitted.

"Say Ginny." Harry pecked her on the cheek. "I thought you'd be at your mums… you know at the burrow?" he traded glances with his fiancée and his guest.

"The burrow? Harry don't you remember, LeStrange and Greyback set it on fire years ago…" she reminded him.

"What? I don't remember that happening…" he scratched at his lightning scar.

"How could you forget? It was horrifying how they chased us through the swamp."

"Yeah, no. That totally didn't happen. We had your brother's wedding at the burrow."

"Oh yeah…" she recalled. Sorry I must have been confused. He patted her on her orange little head and smiled.

"It's all right. Well, Hermione has some hard core research to do so lets clear her a way to the study." Harry said, producing his wand from his robes. The tip of it glistened and smelt rather odd to Ginny. Harry magically moved several towers of mail away from the double doors of the study and cupping Hermione's crooked behind, pushed her in.

After an hour or two of small talk and tea, Harry leaned in and kissed Ginny.

"I've kept my shoes untied all day…" he whispered.

"Oh you" she grinned, tossing off her top.

Hermione tossed aside another useless book. Perhaps Harry was going about it the wrong way. Someone out to expose magic to muggles might have a stronger connection to the muggle world rather than the wizarding one. Harry wouldn't listen to her though, she knew that well enough. It always had to be his theory that proved true, no matter how obscure. Since she met the boy that lived her job was to make those theories plausible. She had been up for days researching his dead ends, and it was starting to pick at her. The worst was Ginny. The poor girl had no idea that her dear fiancée planned on sharing the flat with Hermione tonight. No clue that it was all he talked about on the way over, how he couldn't contain himself and resorted to violating her with 'the wand that defeated the dark lord' as they carefully hid in the back of the knight bus. If Hermione had anything on Ginny it was the truth. Harry probably didn't really love her; he definitely didn't love Hermione, or any one for that matter. That's why she felt a different kind of pain when she overheard them. At least when he was with Ginny, he pretended to care. For years she had been telling herself that Harry trusted her enough that he didn't need to fake it, but perhaps they had something more. Tears dripped onto the parchment as Ginny's whimpers of joy filled the room.

"She sounds just like a puppy when she comes, its fucking adorable." He once told Neville all those years ago. Back when they were just Dumbledore's Army. Back when Harry was still Harry, and Ron was there.

Ron, was in Azkaban. Whatever he was in for, it was widely known that he was not guilty. Harry had seen too it that anyone in the ministry with half a mind to question 'The Great HP' was chucked into the clink.

"Oh Ron…" Hermione sighed.

"Shazam!" Harry Potter gasped, passing out on top of Ginny's bare buttocks. She took his glasses off and they fell asleep on the sofa still connected.


	5. Dire Musings

A few months later and no clue as to who the culprit might be, Dudley began to feel discouraged. It seemed that the combination of himself and Neville wasn't as much of a dream team as he had originally thought. Neville on the other hand, remained optimistic in their search.

Perhaps it was their approach that was to blame. A door to door canvassing of neighborhoods adjacent to the crime scenes yielded many less than reliable leads. One such tip had Neville inspecting a local sewer system for radon and Neville trifling through a months' worth of a victims discarded grocery lists.

Harry was hard at work as well, Hermione and Ginny eventually discovered the two timing nature of the boy who lied and ended up collectively disowning him. Turning to the only mistress remaining (Alcohol) Harry eventually became too wasted to remember the method of returning to his work and ended up spending the break as a street magician on a boardwalk… for about a day. The rest of the time he spent wandering around a vaguely magical street.

One day he came across a (mostly familiar) face! Harry's vision was admittedly distorted but all the same he came across a tall and slender man. His blonde hair was short and slicked back and he muttered to himself in the most pompous way as he tied his Reeboks.

"iz dat you!? David Bowie?" the fallen savior of all magical beings slurred.

"Are you daft?" the man turned around to face his accuser. He wore a blonde mustache that was so thick it was kinda gross. The man, who was not David Bowie's eyes lit up. "Why you're not daft, YOUR potter!"

Draco Malfoy embraced the wobbling Harry. H.P. confused by consenting human contact on his person began to panic. He got all womping willow on Malfoys' boney ass. After calming the drunk down Draco sat the exhausted H.P. on a nearby bench. Sitting next to him he lit a cigarette and wiped his brow.

It was almost lunch time and still without any new information to work the case with Dudley and Neville decided to have a meal at the diner where they first met. Turning down the corner they noticed the oddest scene. Neville instantly recognized his old classmates as if he were sitting down with them in yet another potion's class. It sounded almost like a joke, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy sitting on a bench…

"Its Harry, quick we have to hide." Neville whispered to his partner. They ducked down into a conveniently nearby alley. (Considering they had only just turned the corner. I mean what are the odds?)

"Why do we have to hide?" Dudley asked.

"Because he'll destroy us, re-sew our atoms and resuscitate us and then drown us by filling our lungs with his boots. He's going to walk around with us like a pair of people slippers. What if he goes for a jog!?"

"What if he steps in gum?" Dudley gulped. Summoning all his wit Dudley came to his senses. "I have to meet him. My dad's awful sick and he needs to speak with Harry before…"

"Before what? That whole accident thing was like three months ago, he's totally dead by now."

"No I won't accept that! I have to reach Harry." Dudley squealed. "Besides he looks piss ass drunk…"

"Fine if it'll give you closure." Neville swallowed and made his way out of the convenient alley. "Malfoy is that you?"

"Ah Longbottom come to take olde Potter home?" Malfoy sneered.

"Not exactly, this is his cousin Dudley. He's been looking for him for months now."

"I don't need his life story. Let's get wino here cleaned up then."

The old friends plus Dudley piled into a booth at the diner. Harry was as incoherent as Hitler at a PTA meeting. Neville explained the serial killings that everyone was seemingly investigating without any leads.

"What have you been doing with yourself?" Neville asked Malfoy.

"Things have been quite dire… After school and everything I wasn't in much of a position to work towards a snazzy career. Seen as a traitor by both the dark wizard community and the not dark but equally racist wizard community I was forced to obscure my identity and begin a government job. I became a meager Owler…"

"What's that?" Dudley asked.

"An owler is the person that assigns the mail and routes to all the owls. You didn't think they just know where to deliver the mail on their own do you?"

"Aren't they magic?" Dudley asked.

"Don't be stupid." Draco groaned.

"So that's why you grew the mustache then?"

"No of course not, the 'stache is for the witches." He smiled. "So what have you got planned for Potter?"

"Not sure, he didn't have a wand on him?" Neville asked. Draco shook his head. "I think we'll have to take him back to the office."

After they had finished their tea and biscuits and all that good stuff Dudley hoisted H.P. over his shoulder and they made their way out of the diner. On their way out Malfoy clipped Stella.

"Watch it jerk!" She muttered.

"What's that mud-blood?" he raised an eyebrow. They locked eyes and the tension between them was palpable. A young man with long black hair and a thick brow stood between Stella and the wizard.

"You have a problem with my sister Magnum P.I.?"

"Severus let it go!" Stella begged. "It's okay."

"S-severus?" Harry muttered.

"Shit just got real" Neville shook his head.


	6. Revenge Calls

An enormous foot kicked in the diner door with a bang. The Tremendous figure of Hagrid burst onto the scene.

"Harry! Hogwarts needs you!" he spat as he flicked his sunglasses off his head and onto the floor. The tension between Malfoy and Severus Smith broke as the gigantic man squeezed into the diner. Hagrid bumbled around the doorway; under his tattered cloak he was strapped head to toe in ammunition and potion vials.

"Hagrid what do you mean?" Harry asked with a burp.

"Zombies, they've taken over the grounds." Hagrid explained, tossing the boy who lived a sawed-off shotgun. "The professors are half eaten or undead, I left a buncha first years up in Hufflepuff tower, we gotta fetch 'em before its too late."

"Well at the rate we get _anything_ accomplished." Neville muttered.

"That'll be different this time, we're riding Malfoy style." Draco grinned.

"That didn't sound cool at all." Dudley chimed in.

"Let's get on with it." HP cocked the gun.

...

The Hogwarts Express slowed to a stop at the Hogsmede platform. The small wizard town was burnt in the hellfire of a localized zombie apocalypse. The group of Hogwarts Alumni accompanied by the three interested and confused muggles, (Dudley, Stella and her brother Severus) made their way through the abandoned village and towards the gates of Hogwarts.

"You said your name was Severus?" Neville asked.

"Yeah, after my father."

"Not too common of a name is it?" Harry stared at Malfoy.

"What's this another one of your famous Hogwarts mysteries?" Draco scowled.

"Exactly!" Harry smiled. He produced from his robe an iphone on which he dialed Hermione. "Yo, it's HP. Google Snape's love life, we may have a mystery on our hands."

"Harry what are you talking about?" Hermione coughed over the phone.

"Hogwarts, Zombies, Mystery. Google Snape, safe search off. Better Bing it too."

"Oh Bing is rubbish." Draco moaned.

"Better than ask Jeeves..." Dudley butted in.

"Ask Jeeves, what is this 1998?" Hagrid laughed. "I don't know how you kids ever made lives for yourselves after school if your still asking Jeeves. Almost Mugglish if you ask me."

"Oh Hagrid this is Dudley you remember, pig tail." Harry pointed to the muggle.

"Oi, didn't recognize you without it it..." Hagrid grinned.

"Do you have _any_ idea what's going on?" Stella asked her brother.

"None."

"What's all this then?" Neville pointed at the gates. A horde of ravenous zombies was clawing its way through into the castle. Harry tossed Dudley the shotgun and raised his wand. Hagrid was the first to jump into the fray, knocking over several ghouls at once as he tore his way though to the entrance of the school. Harry shot out blue flames from his wand that lept from zombie to zombie as he followed Hagrid's lead.

"Accio, Robocop!" Neville shouted, his wand in the air.

"Wait, what spell is that?" Dudley squinted.

"It's a summoning charm." Neville explained.

"So you're going to summon the actual..." Severus pondered.

"Badass" Dudley exclaimed. As he shouted a small square object flew in from over the horizon and landed in front of Neville. He picked it up and scratched his wizard head.

"So... it's just the dvd then?" Stella raised an eyebrow.

"HD-dvd actually." Neville chucked the disc over his shoulder.

"Can't we play it back at the office?" Dudley groaned.

"No we've only got the Blurray."

"Enough Chatter!" Draco growled. From his robes he pulled not one but two wands. He clenched each in his fists as he leap into the zombie pit.

"I didn't know you guys could do that..." Dudley pointed to Malfoy.

"Well I mean... if I really wanted to..." Neville clamored.

"Will you girls get down here already?" Harry shouted. The trio had already re-killed the ghouls that surrounded the main gates.

"Right, well... here we go."


End file.
